Douro Valley Portugal: GPS wants a remake of Deliverance
Welcome to CompassChaos13: A Real Travel Podcast where Compass Plans, Chaos Rules - Connections Happen Memories of Global Adventures
HEATHER (V.O.): I’m Heather, your adventure narrator and warm body for the hosts for this flying circus.
Today, we’re diving into Douro Valley Portugal, with our Mom!
COMPASS: It started with a planned drive from Albufeira in the gorgeous Algarve region of Portugal.
CHAOS: And after a day of side trips and adventures turned into a scene from Zombie Deliverance.
HEATHER (V.O.): Before we depart on this adventure, a few safety checks. First: any brand we mention is one we actually use and trust. We get zero monetary gain for these—if that ever changes, we promise total transparency. Second: this flight is for adults only. Expect questionable language and emotional turbulence. Finally, there are no warnings when the unexpected happens, because there are no warnings in real life…
HEATHER (V.O.): Now, let’s Meet your dueling hosts: Compass, the one who plans—and Chaos, the one who burns them. Together, they find the magic in the mess.
COMPASS (V.O.): I’m Compass. My plan is to experience the historical and top tourist sites. But, as usual, my head-space companion Chaos always has other plans.
CHAOS: Hey Hey Chaos here! I am the patron saint of "we’ll figure it out,". I bring the unexpected, and the reason you want to hear travel tales.. that are actually worth listening to!
COMPASS (V.O.): Together, we bring the connection.
HEATHER (V.O.): Sit back, relax, and push that follow button……
CHAOS: "So, buckle up buttercups, for this recent tale from our Deliverance reality……, because honestly the best stories aren't planned."
COMPASS: This was a Portugal road trip with our mom in February of 2024, minus Lisbon, since we had done that on a previous trip.
CHAOS: Don’t worry that story will come as well… they will all come out..
COMPASS: EEEHHHHHMMMM ….. I made the plan so that we flew into Oporto airport since it was less expensive to fly roundtrip from Boston and rent a car there than it was from Lisbon. From Oporto we drove down to Albufeira with stops along the way. This particular story is at the end of the night road trip, our last local stay before hitting the chain hotel near the airport to prep for the flight early in the am. On our way to the UNESCO area in the Douro Valley area with a stay at a local winery.
CHAOS: It started well before that… I knew this was going to be another adventure… There are no vacations… only adventures. When we were handed a tom-tom for a GPS when the car had a GPS system itself and we paid for the GPS system at 10 per day…
COMPASS: Fucking Enterprise! Fucking Tom-Tom joke….. All because they didn’t want to pay for the contract and we weren’t hooking up our phone to a rental car, that is just stupid. Information if not deleted is stored in the car…. No thanks!
CHAOS: So as you can see… deep nerve for Compass…. Great adventures and laughs for me. This all told me that Enterprise at Oporto Airport pockets the money made on the $10 per day GPS, since a fucking Tom-tom from 1995 with that very same information has paid for itself 1000 fold…. Regardless it was going to be fun!
COMPASS: If I remember this was really the only place that it messed up. We woke before 6am so we could be down at breakfast just after the doors opened. *Pro VET TIP: We always book accommodations with breakfast and a same day or 3 day cancellation policy depending on the destination. We ate breakfast and went back up to the room for one last look around and to use the facilities one last time before heading out.
CHAOS: It’s the bathroom…. [laughing] facilities La Tee DA…. you raised you a dutchess?
COMPASS: I can only dream…. So with everything packed, facilities used, it was time to head out on the open Portugal Road… 1st stop for the day, heading back toward Oporto…. Evora! About a 3 hour drive including a human buffer just incase… we were on the road by 7am.. Arriving in EVora just before 9:45am… Considering we were using a 1990’s tomo-to I think we got the scenic route but that's ok a beautiful landscape.
CHAOS: Mom kept me entertained with her “someday” she could move to the Algarve Area of Portugal or Lisbon, discussion. Now she also thought about this when we went to Crusky Kromlov but she also said there that she didn’t think she could get the language down. Ah dreams….. I feel ya mommy…. But she couldn't leave the grandkids and start over in another country….. As much has I would support her and I think it fucking awesome if she did…. But she won’t.
COMPASS: That;s called having roots ..
CHAOS: Please … transport has transplanted enough plants to know given the right conditions roots can find home anywhere.
COMPASS: 1st Mom is NOT a Plant… 2nd Heather has killed more plants than she has saved them during transplanting….. So let's have mom stay in her comfort zone shall we.
CHAOS: No Fun!
COMPASS: We arrived in Evora as I said and planned just about 9:45am. Finding a parking spot was easy; it was early and off season. Mom and Heather walked the town just as it was walking up. THere is a peaceful calm to walking any town early before the streets are flooded with metallic machines. Without using the blue dot we found what we really wanted: Roman Temple Ruins. WE reveled in the history of walking in Ancient footsteps as we watched the sun play peek a boo between the Corinthian style columns. I still really can’t believe how peaceful it was.
CHAOS: Then the cathedral bells rang out at 10am breaking the peace.
COMPASS: That was pretty to hear…
CHAOS: WE are looking at the runs enjoying the peace then the bell rings out.. My first thought was not pretty. It was as if we were under attack.
COMPASS: You’re encourageable… we walked around outside of the cathedral enjoying the architecture and exploring the Town of Evora for just over an hour. .. we still had Megaliths to see before continuing our journey North. The schedule said it was time to make the 30 min side trip to the Megaliths called Almendres Cromlech. Now I buffed in 15 mins, so it was 45 minutes to get to Nossa Senhora De Guadalupe.
CHAOS: [giggles[ that was wrong!! Now we did make it to the Megalith area within Compass’s scheduled arrival time but we did not arrive at the site for another half hour… We arrive in this very tiny village using our scenic tom-tom route for parking guidance. It takes us to the parking lot of the little museum/gift shop. So we think .. ok this is where we park and we walk to the sites… just after the gage that is open and leads to a first road looking like its for farmers use .. since there are private fields all around and a few informational boards with a replica of a neolithic village. So thinking we had to walk to the sites we started our trip…. We get about 10 minutes up the road and a car full of locals comes very slowly driving up the road… they drave past looking at us funny. [giggles] Another look I love….. They continued up the road to the fork where they took a slow left as another car was coming down.
COMPASS: How this was a road by definition is beyond me… we work as a building clerk the only one mind you…. And we know this was not a Road by any sense of the word. If you misjudged either side of this enlarged direct way then into a 24inch muddy ditch you go, good luck with that…. Never mind the gaping sink holes that would take out the whole under carriage of the car! I said we’ll continue walking…
CHAOS: Mom, looked at Heather…. And said I quote “fuck this bullshit it’ll take forever” I say we turn around and get the car right now before we go further… Compass pulls up the google map and adjusts the map to walking from where we are right now to the 1st site.. Walking 1 hour 10 minutes without taking into account uneven terrain, vehicles having to pull off as best they can sometimes could put us in a muddy ditch in shitty boots that would be more of a hindrance than a help. Telling mom it was about an hour by foot she was like nope not a chance on this road… we are getting the car! As a second car passed by us heading to the ruins. Back we went, jumping into the car and stared up the path of machine destruction very slowly or so I thought! Of course I was driving…
COMPASS: 15 miles per hour or 25kpm on a narrow dirt path with holes that can swallow the car whole and zig zag around the theme or having to stop short because it's a choice of two holes…
CHAOS: [giggles] Those are going to be your choice of words… really…. Sounds like a personal problem to me.
COMPASS: WHY? No, that was not slow and your driving was giving mom anxiety.
CHAOS: Mom’s anxiety was over not taking the full insurance or the ditches she was staring down…. Nothing to do with speed… we were about where we turned around when now we saw an older couple walking up the road. Mom and Heather looked at each other and said we should probably tell them….. But I had a better plan…. We should see if they want to come with us…. Mom at first was a bit skeptical until we got closer then her skepticism left…. WE slowly approached and rolled down the window. They spoke every little English and we knew very little Spanish. Somehow we were able to communicate that it was a long walk and if they wanted they could jump in with us… we were heading to the ruins. They jumped in the black.. We made as much small talk as we could on the drive… 45 mins later we arrived at the first Megalithic site and its very loosely worded parking lot area. We piled out of the car and found a very narrow path with fencing on the other side. During the other seasons it could be easily missed if not cut back. There is no big sign marking this one. We filed down a short direct pathway before it led to an all out ramble over stand and streams, through over gown brush… It was great! It wasn’t that far in maybe about 15 mins and the dirt path came back. You follow it for a few feet more then you see these standing stones…. But the one that sticks out is the one that looks like a dick!
COMPASS: Phallus… Chaos…. Please try to show some education!
CHAOS: It is what it is, Compass….. So as we took a few pics under the phallus aka giant stone hard dick… we began the ramble back to the car helping our new friends along the way… I believe Jorge and Maria but I could be wrong…. Back into the car which was holding up nicely, surprisingly…. Part two came around and these holes were more rapid in secession… Everyone in the car was full of bobble heads for about 40 minutes till we got to the second bigger site. Here there was a bigger raised parking lot site but you couldn’t go in the area because it was fenced off and looked like it hadn’t been manicured since September. The grass was getting to be as high as the Megiths. So after climbing up the makeshift embankments, squeezing up into the metal chain link fence and walking around as much of the perimeter as we could, it was time to head back to the gate and drop our new friends off.
COMPASS: The ride back was the worst. We had more cars coming in than we had seen all day.. At one point with the gate in sight, a car comes up and a huge sink hole in front of Chaos thinking the best maneuver is to aim for a 24 inch embankment and ride the rails….
CHAOS: [giggles] It worked, everything was fine….
COMPASS: You didn’t see the look on moms face or our new friends. They were scared…
CHAOS: They underestimated me as most do… I safely maneuvered the sink hole, embankment and other vehicle to get everyone back on pavement.
COMPASS: Thank the Goddess’! No injuries, no accidents or loss of parts, machine or human… We said goodbye to our new friends and resumed our journey North… Now our next stop was Tomar! This town is incredible. Next time we are staying there. It feels like a knights Templar final stronghold that has modern services. The castle was utterly incredible.. The stonework, interior design, air work and the staircases it was just so much fun just exploring the castle… Not going to lie, if it weren’t for mom at one point, I would have allowed Chaos to lead us up this really amazing stone staircase that was roped off… I almost couldn’t contain myself…
CHAOS: That place was awesome!!! But not as awesome as seeing Pagan symbolism in a convent/church… Convento de Cristo was absolutely thrilling to me… and I am not a church fan… I am of this one and I didn’t burst into flames or turn to ash.
COMPASS: No but I swear I felt saints tremble…..
CHAOS: That was just the earth moving….[laughs] we (all 3 of us) highly recommend Tomar! Next time, more than just 2.5 hours, that was not enough time to give it our full explorer attention….
COMPASS: The time was phishing at 5 pm. We were already 2 hours behind schedule because of our Evor adventure. It was time to leave Tomar and on to Quinta Da Pacheca, a winery in the Duror Valley Area. 3 hours and 15 mins away with a buffer. Leaving just before 5pm with an ETA of 8:15pm ok…. I hate it when we drive at night in another country but what other choice do we have…. The hills and switchbacks just to make it into the Douro Valley area is a challenge at night with no street lights, just your car lights… oh and did we mention it was raining as well…
CHAOS: I drove!!! You were an internal backseat driver… as we made good time on A24 from Tomar Compass’ hopes were high we would be okay… Man was she completely fucking wrong! Somehow instead of keeping us on A24 the highway for 1 more exit and then cutting across, the tom-tom takes us off the highway and at first on a well light road… as we go further down we come to a town that doesn’t see many tourists especially at night.. There was 1 restaurant open and a church in the central square area that was still open for cars.
COMPASS: Honestly, mom & I thought it was a ghost town… there were no lights except the restaurant. As we drove by it appeared only men were there, other than that the won looked dark and deserted… As we made our way out the other end of town we did not see 1 light in a house, 1 person out or a single car other than us…
CHAOS: {BANGO MUSIC Banaananan nnnananana) Deliverance Remake 2024!! We had already come this far, why not see where it takes us… knowing full well something is off! As mom and I make jokes about being in our own Deliverance remake… Tommy-tom says turn right go 500 meters your destination will be on the left…. THE FUCK IT IS!! An abandoned Apartment Building with junk all around it… It screamed crack house! Only not a single thing was roaming around ... .Not even a cat! We stopped and tried to figure out what happened. I had the window cracked as I normally do driving and mom starts freaking out….. Lock the doors.. Roll up the windows…. Keep the car in drive…. We are in the middle of nowhere where anything can happen… I’m thinking… crack head Zombies!!!
COMPASS: You can’t blame her for her survival instincts kicking in…. Her’s a flight response…. Your is very opposite it’s WAR…. we skip the fight part and go right to declaration of WAR.
CHAOS: Kept us alive this long…. Anyways as mom is freaking out about resetting the tom-tom I was trying very hard not to burst out laughing ... .and also watch the perimeter and our 6 just in case a zombie wants to get Compass’s brains! See I watch out for you!
COMPASS: Don’t do me any favors! As you were trying to hold your amusement, I was trying to get the address reprogrammed in the tom-tom. Which was difficult with Chaos swirling Heather’s head around. I get the coordinates plugged back in… we are 15 minutes away… YES, redemption!
CHAOS: Or so we thought… Since it was now about 8:15pm and very dark because this area had no street lights it was hard to see the topography.
COMPASS: This is by far the scariest drive we have done…. Hell eve Chaos was gripping the steering wheel at one point!
CHAOS: I’ll be honest, that road was seriously no joke at night no lights, hairpin turns and complete rainy blackness. I mean you didn’t know you were up on a hill until you were on top of the switch backs heading down and you could only see 20 feet in front of you.. This is where I am thankful that there were no cars coming up behind us. There was this one corner that was super narrow and the reason you know you were coming down is because the roof top was directly below us and the lights we did see were at the bottom in the distance. Oh and the 20 foot massive retaining wall on the passenger side directly abutting the road…. That was where my knuckles turned white…. After that it was smooth sailing… we arrived at the winery and checked into our lovely room at 9pm.
COMASS: After getting settled and still on a high from our recent Deliverance adventure Mom & HEather realized that everyone was hungry. The winery lounge was open serving a light late substance so….
CHAOS: To the bar!! We love bar sampling with mom.
COMASS: Lounge…… It was off a quiet area across the courtyard from our room. Just getting there was a treat….
CHAOS: This place was a bit more lux than what I was used to… Don’t get me wrong I would stay there for at least 3 nights just so I can enjoy the property. I just felt like an imposter with my mouth, blunt honesty and shocker impulses in this gorgeous tastefully decorated upscale winery with a Rolls-Royce and all… Oh yeah Imposter! Still go back in a heartbeat and play imposter again! Only this time stay in the wine barrels!
COMPASS: I'm sure we can talk hubby into something cause those are more for couples or if we are gonna fly solo.
CHAOS: Mom & I ordered a few beers and Heather had a pasta dish … Mom has a sandwich or burger I can’t remember. She also ended up finishing ours as well… Now it was time for bed… Our schedule had been thrown off. We didn't get to explore the winery or the area today and were leaving to head back to Porto to fly out the day after tomorrow. So with tomorrow being our last full day in Portugal we all wanted to make the most out of it… to bed we went….
CHAOS: We spelt in a king bed with our mommy!! Talk about feeling like a child again or gaining more complexes… not sure which maybe both… Still don’t have a license shrink to tell us
COMPASS: Hey, those are some of our fondest memories when dad was traveling for work…
HEATHER: Damn IT!! So close again…. One day… I know it's coming I can feel it…..
Heather, Here… yes, I’m 46, travel the world and have slept in the same bed as my mother….. If need arises when we travel…. Some people may find that weird, well guess what we kiss on the cheek and peck on the lips to say goodbye just like we do our daughter…. There are no issues or complexes… So yes Chaos… you me and Compass sleep with our mommy when the need calls for it… Can we just get through the very last few minutes please….
COMPASS: Sorry Heather & Kin for Chaos…
CHAOS: Don’t apologize for me I have nothing to apologize for me… I have nothing to apologize for… I'm just having fun…
COMPASS: Anyway we got a great night's sleep… waking up early in the morning and peering out the window down on grounds of the winery early in the am…. There was smoke from fires in vineyards and houses, rising up all over the valley. It was the first time we actually saw the landscape we came driving into late at night… Wow!!
CHAOS:Then I saw PEACOCKS!! Only other place we have seen peacocks was in San Jorge Castle in LIsbon… there was peacocks and penhens all around it was awesomely crazy… now I couldn’t wait to get to breakfast…
COMPASS: We headed down to breakfast and while chaos tried to watch the birds I was trying to get Heather to look at the furniture and carvings while we ate our breakfast… Once we finished we explored the property for about an hour and half before heading back to the room for the final sweep before checking out and heading to Porto, but not without a stop.
CHAOS: WE packed the car which didn’t take long… I jumped in the driver's seat now excited to go back the way we came… Now that it’s light and going to be one hell of a view… I plugged in our stop before our final distentation. Aveiro Portugal the “Venice” dupe which was another “intsagram-eyefuck” Yeah fucking Insta CRAP!!! This makes two Bermuda Glass Beach was another!!!
COMPASS: This dupe wasn’t from Insta… it was from Google travel news article about DUPES for travel…… written by an influencer that probably never stepped foot in Venice or Aveiro, but felt they had authority to say it's a great dupe!!! Not even in the same category as Venice… Just because a place has canals doesn’t mean it's a dupe for Venice!! But that is another story
CHAOS: And apparently another nerve! So that is twice now your over researching for things out of your wheelhouse, such as oddities and lesser known darker historical sites… Like where Vlad the impaler may have been held when we were visiting Budapest! Staying in your own lane seems to be your lesson Compass when you very into mine the Universe tends to slap you back in place…. And you don’t handle being slapped down well.
COMPASS: Neither do you!
CHAOS: By the universe I can accept it… by other humans that is inconceivable. Anyway we look at tommy-tom on our way to the unbeknown Insta-crap or on this google-shit site…. And it tells us we are two minutes from the on ramp to the fucking highway!!! [laughs].... Compass is flippin…. She is screaming ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, GET ME THE CEMENT MIXER….. OPEN THE FUCKING WINDOW… OPEN THE WINDOW….
Every time Compass lost her shit on this trip with Tommy-tom it would work or it would take us longer….. Honestly, none of us has a gentle touch, we can’t finesse ….. We women handle…. It’s like man handling only our intention is to break it beyond repair not just get it to work.
COMPASS: Yes, everyone in the department loves when we bang the mouse and swear like a navy seal blowing off steam after a mission that didn’t go as planned. Hell, even the retired military high ranking officer keeps his distance… But that is more for guilt by association than anything…
CHAOS: I don't know… we grossed him out with our last charcuterie meme… even got it in writing!!! For the high ranking military. I would think that a skeleton with meat and cheese wouldn’t be gross….
COMPASS: It wasn’t Halloween and the caption below didn’t help…. Don’t mind the skeleton, just come eat the meat!!
CHAOS: {laughing] Compared to the one we wanted to send the week before .. the penis and the pussy board….. Come get your meat & cheese… this week really was tame…
COMPASS: Yes and you had to show it to everyone in the department and one other department before finding another…. Thankfully… there it is again.. We have voices of reason in our department that have the same sense of humor, just don’t express it in a professional setting! So yes I can keep my cool most of the time, however there are some things that just up my backside sideways… The tom-tom telling us that the on ramp is two minutes away and we were no longer taking the route we did….
CHAOS: Once mom said Are you fucking Kidding me….. All that and we were two fucking minutes away… Then nothing but laughter erupted in the car…. We, well … Heather, Mom and I were dying from laughter… Compass on the other hand…. Was not amused she just focused on the drive in … not on the story and the laughs that we are having about it in real time….
COMPASS: I was still not over that drive and didn’t find it amusing…
CHAOS: Lighten up… what’s life without risk, adventure and the universe trying to break you!
HEATHER: Hi Kin, Heather ending it here for reflection time, which is my favorite time… Portugal is a gorgeous country and so worth the exploration. We have been twice and are going back in 2027 for our daughters & hubby’s birthday’s … they have never been. While this trip was a quick trip through Portugal mainland it still held so much more.. Here are some key lessons we hope took away on top of what you yourself got from this memory.
Without Adventure or Risk, you are just surviving
Even if it is a whirl wind trip, take it…. Reasons to go back will find you
Travel is unexpected, that is the only expectation you should have when traveling
Cut through the fight or flight moment with humor and humility.
Remember to be in the moment first…. Then take the photo… when looking back later that photo will trigger that moment once again
Always travel with an open mind, open heart and respectfully .. You don’t have to be gracious, just respectful.
We love Portugal and are looking forward to showing our hubby and also having it be our daughter's first international trip… So excited for 2027 it’s going to be a Chaos year… Sorry Compass! Don't worry you’ll do the planning
CHAOS: And I’ll do the burning…. Alright we just got hubby to agree to Cambodia, Thank you Josh Gates… Angkor Wat I knew you would turn our hubby with your mystic beauty!!! I can’t wait to experience it!! Tourists filled or not.. I will find our own sacred space, I always do!
COMPASS: She’s gonna gallop like a mustang with this you understand what she did, do you not Heather?
HEATHER: Yes I do…. Just let Chaos have 2027 .. which will put us 3 years from 50! That’s if this body and the mind makes it!!
CHAOS: Oh yeah… let’s get into the theory you and our bro have about if we make it past 49, then we are immortal!!
COMPASS: Oh boy…. Listen to me Chaos…. WE ARE NOT IMMORTAL…
CHAOS: Actually Compass … you and I are… as long as there are humans there will be our voices in their heads doing exactly what we are doing to Transport… splitting her between responsible adult and bring back the true freedom of our childhood where transport didn’t answer to her parents she took the accountability for what she did and moved on… used to piss everyone off!
COMPASS: Look just because our father died at 49, his father at 59 and our great grandfather at 69… technically by the original theory Heather and our brother had, they both would be dead by 39… when they both hit 40… the theory pivoted… but Heather is not Immortal…
CHAOS: That is an outcome yet to be seen… Romania is in the next year or two, we could get Vlad to bite us!
COMPASS (calm, professional tone) On that note… we hope you enjoyed this episode of CompassChaos13. Join us every Sunday at 1 p.m. Eastern, or 1300 hours for our fellow travelers in time zones unknown. Next stop: Kotor Montenegro— this time, we will be adventuring with Hubby. It’s another from our honeymoon cruise and you can bet we’ll be forging even more unforgettable connections.
CHAOS (excited, playful) Another fantastic one! Mother Nature’s honeymoon gift continued.. If you don’t remember what it was go back to Dubrovnik, Croatia cause we are not going to repeat ourselves because you can’t keep up…… Somehow, we still make it out alive. Hey, the chaos? Always memorable.
COMPASS (mock patience) Listeners, help me out here — please engage with us.
CHAOS (interrupting, smirking) Compass just stop!! That pleading really hasn’t been working so let’s try something else… Keep your shit to yourself. We will go on talking about us because we have plenty of stories going back to 1995 and we have plans on the books for the next two years to make more!! So keep silent, we only need your ears and a finger. Sure you can use the middle one if you want to, go ahead. Then you can take that finger…
COMPASS: CHAOS!!
CHAOS: and put it right on the share as you post this and the finger to social media using the tag @compasschaos13 … Why cause you know you want to talk ABOUT us not to us…. You love us or hate us, either way your talking baby.. Mauh!
COMPASS (cutting in, mock sigh) Please Stop. The show’s over. Just get out!(sound tired) I’m Compass — bringing the planned direction.
CHAOS (proudly) And I’m Chaos — bringing the unexpected!
CHAOS (in sync) Together, we make global connections.
HEATHER (narrator / flight attendant tone) Welcome back to the present. On behalf of your dueling hosts, Compass and Chaos, thank you for adventuring with CompassChaos13.
Before you stand, please make sure your pants are dry, your eyes are clear, and your snots are wiped — we don’t do refunds for emotional turbulence.
Some of what you heard today may sound unbelievable, but rest assured — it’s all true, and no one on this adventure is innocent.
For photos, travel tips and to read our blogs wander over towww.CompassChaos13.com.
Thank you for connecting with us today. We hope YOUR layover in OUR world brought a little curiosity, a bit of laughter, and a lot of connection.
This is CompassChaos13 — signing off.